All I want is rice paper rolls and sushi and sashimi WHY IS IT SAH EXPENSIVE IN THIS COUNTRY?!
Woke up before 12
Cleaned my room.
Did my washing.
Made fresh bread rolls with cheese in them.
Smoked a joint.
Made fresh Gnocchi with pork and red wine bolognese.
TODAY IS A GOOD DAY.
You know those times when you’re doing something, you’re distracted and something accidentally breaks through your subconscious and allows itself to escape into your conscious mind. It takes you completely by surprise, simultaneously raising your spirits and causing them to spiral down. And it doesn’t even have to be that big of a thing. It doesn’t have to be some life changing realisation; it can be as simple as three little words.
Three little words that have the power to make you internally crumble as you stir the pasta sauce on the stove. Three little words that make you imagine all of the possibilities as to why you could be thinking those three little words and you see every possible situation flash before your eyes. You knwo that the thing you fear most could happen at any moment and the life you are trying to build for yourself could come crashing down around you if one small tiny detail of your life were to be changed.
It’s the thing you’ve been dreading your whole life. You have written story upon story as to how you would deal on the tragic day that your greatest fear is birthed into reality; knowing full well that it’s not a matter of if, but a matter of when. And it only took three little words to make you remember what you’ve forgotten and that you’re yet to have even experienced the real pain that will come with it. The absence of her.
Three little words.
I miss mum.
There’s this feeling in the pit of my stomach, because I know that when I go back home lots of things are going to have to change.
Self-discipline is, I think, the over arching theme.
1. I must not avoid responsibilities.
2. I must create and stick to a routine.
3. I must take better care of my health.
4. I must learn time management.
5. I must cut ties with the people I no longer want to be around, no matter how much I’m afraid it will hurt them. This is a huge one because there are many people that care for me more than I could ever care for them.
6. By extension I must stop my casual sexual relationships with men. This realisation is truly making me question my sexuality. In fact this whole period of self-reflection has made me do that. Who are the people I truly value and want around me? Bar a couple of people they are all women. Who are the people I’m amazed by and think about all of the time? The women in my life. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a proper crush on anyone, let alone a man. I’m still attracted to men physically, but I feel so much more connected to women. Maybe because with women, sex is not the first instinct and I can develop an emotional bond without the thought of sex constantly setting me back. From now on, aside from one night stands I will not engage in a prolonged sexual relationship with a man unless I know him and have developed some kind of affection or even love for him. I must speak to each individual about this face to face.
7. I must get an internship and decide on a proper career path. None of this “I wanna write” business. It’s time to look at my options and decide HOW I’m going to make that happen.
8. I must stay away from Stalkerspace.
9. I must delete my OkCupid and Tinder accounts.
10. I must do nice things for my family despite the fact that I know I wont get any recognition or anything in return. Even something as simple as make a batch of cookies every now and then or take my parents out for coffee. I don’t want to feel sick and twisted when I look at my family anymore.
11. Save as much money as I can without sacrificing my health and happiness.
12. I must fucking write. Just write. I have an idea. I can develop it, but I need to not give up on this one. I need to finish a novel out of the sheer force of will. I need to stop making excuses about how shit it is etc.
Would be fantastic if people didn’t take what I write or the pictures I post on my tumblr and show them around to all their friends like little gossiping turds. This is my personal blog, and while I don’t mind being followed by people I know in real life and have a link to my blog on my facebook profile, I don’t want my stuff taken out of context and shared around. This is the only place I feel safe to vent, and if people happen upon my blog and see that I’ve written about them, they do so at their own risk and I will deal with whatever concerns they have as that happens. But to be that much of an asshole and go and show specific people is unnecessary.
I’m trying to be open and honest with myself on this thing, and incidents like this make me unwilling to express myself which is what I started this blog for.
Man, I AM a bad person. Or an idiot. Or both.
The thing about making friends with French people is that you can’t tell whether they’re propositioning you for sex or want to smoke weed with you.
I’m having one of those days where I’m not sure what I’m feeling. I’m equally missing home and dreading going back. I want to see people yet I just want to be alone. I’m happy and then I’m incredibly low and feeling anxious about everything.
I’m having trouble dealing with my uni responsibilities. And while I can claim it’s the anxiety and insomnia, what is it really? I’m constantly making excuses to refrain from going to uni, doing work, getting out of my room, getting out of bed. What is wrong with me? Where is my motivation? Do I even want to continue uni? Should I defer? Should I just quit? How am I ever going to make money? What am I doing with my life? What do I want to do with my life? Who am I? What am I? Where am I?
When I get back home I want to start seeing a psychologist again. Not because I’m suicidal or because I think I’m completely insane… I just know that there is a root to my issues and I need to find out and understand what that is. I’ve been the same since I can remember. So it must have been something that happened or a series of events from my childhood. No one is born with anxiety. But what though? I need someone to ask the right questions. I need to understand what’s going on in my head and why I can no longer channel it and keep it from affecting my life.
It’s all so very silly, isn’t it?
That I should be so blessed yet so utterly hopeless, equally revelling in and revolting against myself.
Up and down. Up and down. Down and up. Up and down. Down and down and down and down… and up.